Sharing Control

defiance defiant parenting parenting myths parenting styles strong-willed kids warmth Nov 30, 2021
Sharing Control

We talked about this last time but let me say this again: We are only in control over what’s within our boundary. We are not in control of anybody else’s, including our child’s.

What are some signs you are exerting unhealthy control with your child? 

  • You take ownership of your child’s choices: you want to control what they do, how they do it, why they do it, etc
  • You take ownership of your child’s consequences: you have a hard time letting your child experience uncomfortable consequences that come as a result of their choices, so you swoop in to protect them
  • You take ownership of your child’s emotions: you feel it’s your responsibility to keep your child happy or you want your child to feel a certain way

If you’ll remember from previous lessons, our job is to validate our child’s emotions, not take ownership over them. Our job is to set up healthy boundaries, allow our kids to choose whether or not to honor the boundary, then let our children experience the natural consequences of their actions.

Commit this word to memory: OWNERSHIP

As we relate with our kids and other people, it all comes down to this: “Who is the owner of choice/emotion/action?” “Is that in my boundary or is that within someone else’s boundary?”

The lines get a little fuzzy the younger our kids are. It’s because we are responsible for taking care of them in their younger years. But as they grow, we need to slowly take a step back. 

Again, we are not saying this so your kids go out of control. We are going to teach you how to help them be socially appropriate, respectful, and responsible. But we want to help you realize that when you try to control what is in their boundary, they NEVER learn SELF-CONTROL.

So what can you actually control?

The answer to that is JUST YOU. Your actions, your warmth, your boundaries, and allowing your kids to own the consequences of their actions without you rescuing them.

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